twitter. The obsessive need to know what people are doing at every moment of the day is.....well, it means that people's lives have gotten a little boring. Perhaps without distractions such as this, the bored ones would find something to do.

Sometimes I manage to get outside of myself and see how silly we all act sometimes. Okay not silly, that's not the right wording...but this...living...it's so difficult. Work, live, be with friends and family, seems like a simple formula. Yet we manage to get upset and screw up our lives so easily. Some people manage to go through life staying a step above the crap....they don't get caught up in themselves or destructive relationships ...perhaps it's their personality. Whatever the reason, some people manage to keep a calm demeanor and an optimistic outlook. However it seems like there's a majority of people who get caught up in the day to day - the stress which seems overwhelming in the moment, the pressure from the relationships and responsibilities.

Perspective is the key I think...having the ability to look down on a situation with some distance will allow us to realize that a lot of things aren't as important or devastating as it all seems in the moment. Yet in that moment it is so hard to think about that perspective let alone try and obtain it.

Maybe we all just need to smoke some weed :)

ok so it figures right....finally in my last semester of my undergrad degree and i realize that i don't know what the heck im doing!

So a few weeks ago I hit a point in my workload where I realized that I'm not enjoying what I'm studying. Now don't get me wrong, I love reading literature and I find geography very interesting as well, but the things that are involved when I'm studying them.....the essays, the research. ugh! I lost all my motivation to do any and all schoolwork.

The path that I had planned on taking is get my undergrad degree with a major in English and minor in Geography and then go into teaching in the high school. This all sounds well and good since I can just plug through the rest of my degree and then get onto what I had actually planned to do, which is to teach.....but now I'm not even entirely sure that I want to teach anymore.

So I decided in the midst of all this that I had better start thinking of other things to do just in case. I was thinking about random things that I could get into  - brought me back to brainstorming in like junior high where you're thinking what you want to do when you grow up :P and my mind landed on nutrition! How cool would it be to be a nutritionist? a registered dietician? I think it would be so cool....especially since of my history with poor food choices and my own not so stable relationship with food I think that I would be a very good nutritionist - sounds kind of backwards but I understand better how the person who is seeking nutrition advice feels!.....now I can't simply abandon the path that I've been on for the past 5 years so I decided that if I get into the education program for this summer then I will continue on with that for however long I enjoy it. If I don't then I will consider getting some of the undergrad courses needed to get into the Nutrition program.

However, currently I still have to finish out the rest of my undergrad (which is not very long at all but I have to dredge up the motivation to get it all done....) in a degree that I'm only semi-into now. But goign into nutrition is a completely different path that requires a lot of biology backgroudn (of which I have some but not enough) and would I just get unmotivated doing the background work? I'm not sure......what do i do with my life!!! Any advice? This is kind of long winded and I am sorry for that but I feel kind of.....I don't know. I don't care about what I'm doing in a day to day aspect anymore and that freaks me out because those kinds of thoguhts lead into depression and generally a bitchy person, which I do not want either. How do I get the motivation back for now? And if I get into the education program remind me why I'm going into it again? That one it will be easier to get through simply because it's a different type of schooling from what I'm used to but it could still be tough.....HELP!

must do homework must do homework....ugh i'm not pleased with being sick and having to finish a lab. I need some homework motivation vibes...

why is it so hard to console my man? It's like he likes to be upset and stew in it for awhile and then he'll get over it in his own time. This is kind of annoying because i want to fix him and make it all better. I want him to feel better but he just needs to do so in his own time I guess...

i have a moment to post so here i am....my parents want me home this weekend but i so just want to relax! i still have exams and reports to write next week but i feel selfish for staying here. I'm using the weather as an excuse . I'll say Im just taking some personal time...I'm sure that will suffice?

I've been part time for school this semester and it has been amazing! I've been figuring out how to stay less stressed and less overwhelmed. I am loving life really. A nice change.

I was planning on going to the gym today - it woulld have been good for me and all. But then I decided I just didn't feel like it. I haven't been in over a week. It's nice to get a workout in - then even if I do feel slightly chubby I can tell myself that I am doing something about it. But lately I just don't...I don't know. Maybe because it's winter. I'm coming into hibernation mode. I would so much rather sleep and be cozy in bed than up and working out. It's been harder to get up lately as well; I attribute this to the fact that it's pretty much dark again when I should be getting up.

It snowed for the first time today. A wet sticky snow that makes some of the ground look white but doesn't really amount to anything.

It's my birthday and I am damn happy about it! I am going to have a good day damn it!

I am so exhausted. I stayed up late last night trying to get a bit of a start on some essays and other projects - it wasn't even that late - but now I am just so done. I have so so so much to do and so very little time to do it in. I guess the best thing to do would be try not to focus on how overwhelming it is and just try and do one thing at a time.

I think I need to eat some more supper (I already had a full meal!) so I can get some energy for doing some more work. Wish me luck!

K i feel like crap. I watched X-weighted earlier, a reality show about overweight people losing a bunch of weight and this lady went on a starvation diet. They kept telling her it was bad and she'll put the weight back on etc but she didn't listen. Anyway she lost a bunch of weight so I come upstairs and I want to do a workout so if eel better about myself. At least doing something towards looking better instead of half-fantasizing about how i used to be ana. Anyway so i start jumping up and down for cardio and then the person downstairs knocks on the roof like im making a huge racket or something. I took extra care in not making any noise so I know i was not very loud and it really pissed me off and now im super frustrated and half depressed. So lame but that's how i feel. Yea i wish i could go outside and go running but a) my body does not like running so i have to do it in measured amounts and b) i coudln't stand for anyone to see me. My boyfriend leaves so i can workout because he knows i would feel self conscious if he was there. gah im just so mad i want to scream and cry and i feel like a baby. this sucks.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I've been drunk 4 times in the past week...I rarely drink usually. Like max once a week kinda thing. and Last night i didn't even drink that much but I am so hungover today that I won't be goign to any classes, and one of my classes is a lab class that i really shoudl be going to. Fuck im such a fucking retard, I'm just so pissed at myself. I wish I had a friend to talk to about how much I fucked up but I have no one to tell. Kinda sad.

why am i not writing my essay? i had a start on it and then lo and behold! the other girl im doing this presentation with wrote on the same thing. well la dee dah. There's like nothing left to write on now. So what do i do? Break out the Smirnoff. And then what? break out the shot glass. and then im honestly hoping right now that ill be throwing up by the end of this evening so my stomach feels smaller. I keep going between wanting to be healthy, wanting to restrict and needing to binge. gotta go

So after I posted my previous entry my bf went on my livejournal and saw everything i wrote and then he posted those two comments that appear to be from me :P ah well. Apparently he wasn't pissed off at me after all and I was just reading into it wrong. He didn't say anything about what I wrote in here thoguh - not like he would - but it's still kinda...meh, unsettled i guess? I think we're doing better now thoguh.

And my bro has malaria - he had it a couple months ago and they thoguht it was gone but now it's back except worse or something...I think he'll be ok though, I hope.

I finished my essay though! Go me :)

My brother's in the hospital...he had a fever of 109 F. My boyfriend just left pissed off at me for whatever reason. I have an essay due tomorrow which I have not written one word for. I want to hide.

Okay so I have to try doing this...

YAY!
So I am on the third day of eating healthy again - there have been moments where I felt like shit and i wanted to resort back to that for some form of punishment or something but I haven't! My boyfriend knows what's going on now too so that's good. I just feel so happy now! Like who cares about body image - yeah sometimes I still look in the mirror and am quite unimpressed but the joy that I am feeling now and spreading to others makes it so worth it. I found a series about anorexia on youtube.com by Kat - a very good series and I highly recommend it for anyone else who knows someone with an eating disorder or is struggling with one themselves. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-YN2sFsSAI is one of the videos that I found particularly helpful. My boyfriend and I are going out to eat tonight ! for dinner and then we're going minigolfing! I am excited to get out a bit and just enjoy life because before we know it it'll be over! Thank you everyone for your support and if anyone needs someone to talk to ever then let me know and I'll be here! Love you all!
tasha

I am so frustrated with myself! I can't do anything right....my boyfriend is probably sick of me because I'm such a bitch half the time and I'm hiding all my websites from him - hopefully he doens't even know I'm hiding them but I'm just so afraid that I'll be exposed as ana again and made to gain a ton of weight ....I'm trying to eat healthy but that includes stopping when/ before I'm full so that I feel normal thorughout the day and not absurdly full. I have been doing this for a bit this week and I've felt really good - stomach getting flatter and I feel like I'm losing weight! But I'm still being secretive and I wish that I could just be hoenst but I know where that gets me....at least I cna be honest with people online because you all will never meet me / you would never intrude in me life...sigh. I just needed to get this off my chest...anyone else ever feel like this?

So i had class today after the long weekend....i got a paper back and it just made me want to cry! I'm going to be an english teacher and the best i can do no matter how hard i try is a fucking B+...which isn't bad compared to the paper before that...I don't even know why I keep trying.

Anyone have any tips on getting some decent user pics? I'm so new at this :P